Yeah. [It's a whisper, spoken down into her teacup.
Faith gets it well enough, though she's not been through all that Kate has. It's like fighting so hard and losing so much isn't enough, like maybe they're suffering more so that others will suffer less. That kind of responsibility is fitting for a legend, even though Faith resents the thought, but Kate?
Kate can withstand a lot, but Faith wishes she didn't have to. Maybe if someone did studies on the psychology of phoenixes, they'd notice a certain mental resilience they develop as a consequence of being raised hearing stories about how grand you are or will be. Maybe that's prepared Faith for all of this madness, given her an advantage over Kate in that regard.
Or maybe not.
It doesn't matter either way, Faith thinks as she reaches out to put a hand over Kate's forearm. All that matters is this moment, that she's here for her friend.]
( or maybe losing people is exhausting no matter who you are, legend or not.
Kate glances away, down at the other side of the kitchen, doesn't pull her arm back. it's exhausting and neither of them should have to deal with it - Faith shouldn't have to carry the weight of could I have done something, to wonder if people are dead because she didn't do enough.
but even more than that, even more than the exhaustion of hope being dashed yet again, there's a dagger, a sharp point of fear that sears through her. this place has messed with her reality before, has brought about dreams and nightmares that are so real she was in a daze for days, has done so many things with the minds of people here-
could it make her forget him, like time has fuzzed out the details of her friends back home? would she wake up one day, trying to grasp for the sound of his voice, husky with sleep? would one of the gods decide that those memories were getting in the way of whatever emotion she's supposed to be providing them with this week?
it'd be easier. )
He was a shit dancer.
( it'd be easier, but she doesn't want to. she wants to make sure these things exist outside of herself, that someone else here knows they were real. forgetting it means forgetting genuine moments of happiness in a place that often feels like it's trying to crush that emotion entirely. )
[Faith laughs, quiet and light, like small windchimes.]
Course he was. Someone that tall, balance 'as got to be off when there's music on.
[If Kate wants to laugh, then Faith will help her. If Kate wants to cry, then Faith will let her. If Kate wants to reminisce, then she'll treasure the memories she's sharing as if they were hers too.]
( she doesn't really know what she wants, other than to not forget. to not let this be yet another excuse to avoid living. she's made too many of those excuses. i can't, i have to take care of Marc, help Faith, study. (i can't be distracted by the possibility of being hurt.)
so maybe it's best to look at the brighter things, the happier moments. most of them quiet, mundane times. watching a movie or texting through the night. having a drink at the bar. all so normal, so far removed from this place or so much of her life that they shine like the few stars that make it through the pollution of a city to hang in the night sky.
Faith's joke is enough to bring a quirk to Kate's lips. not quite a smile, but as close as one can get. )
Could be worse.
( it hurts. and she'll miss him. and she'll have to distract herself until the things that were becoming instinctive - contacting him, spending evenings together, expecting him to drop by the clinic - start to ebb their way out of her muscles and into her memories.
[It's true, and Faith would tell her so if she knew what she's thinking. Life's meant to be lived. An excuse isn't an excuse if it's what you really want to do, what you feel in your heart is the better choice, but most people will use anything as a way to let themselves think it's okay to give in to their fears and keep themselves from really living.
That's why Faith is the way she is. That's why she smiles in the face of all the sad and horrible things, why she fought as hard as she did and tried to tell anyone who would listen that the choice was theirs to make.
That's why she smiles now. Kate might not be able to, but Faith sure can.]
Yeh, it could. You enjoyed what you had, right? You went for it. Hurts now because it was real. That's somethin' to be glad for.
( it's hard to say anything, because she's not used to it. not used to talking at the same sort of length Faith can manage. once she was, once she could talk to anyone, was more like Faith than people would probably imagine.
but she never had that kind of resilience. never could bounce back after her parents were murdered.
never was the same person.
(maybe that's why, although Kate will never click to it, she likes Faith so much, even years ago when Faith was everything she thought was foolish in the world.)
she can't quite smile - her smiles are things rare enough as it is - and she can't quite find the words to express what needs to be said, so the only thing she comes out with is; )
Kick your arse if you tell anyone.
( she does have an image that was working for her. it doesn't need to be ruined by feelings. )
[Oh Kate. Forgive Faith a delighted laugh. And a quick breath in to (forcibly, dramatically) calm herself down and get serious. She straightens in her seat, holds up a hand, and nods.]
Promise I won't tell anyone.
[If it'll make Kate feel better, Faith's here for it.]
( good. Kate's cooking is so bland ok. There's a reason she mostly subsists on stir-frys back home. chuck a bunch of things in a wok, add soy sauce and be done with it.
she flinches a little at that description. spice was alright but there's way too much of it in that. )
Y'ever wonder if we'll get so used to this that home'll seem weird?
( her eyes wander to that notebook she lay down earlier and she wonders, just for a moment, how Sam's taking his return home. how strange is being in the open air again, back in your life as if nothing ever happened? as if you didn't spend months as food for Gods and meet people and-
care for them.
is that even what happens? Faith turned up from the same time of year that Kate left, months before, but is that the way it works, or just a fluke? are things moving on back home without them? did things move on without him, and he's back a year later without any explanation? )
[Look, Faith's not great at cooking, but she can manage!
She frowns thoughtfully as she sips at her tea. What a good question.]
Mm, well... prob'ly. Though that just means that home'll feel all new again. New and familiar. Wonder what that's like!
[The notebook. She's definitely noticed it, but she doesn't want to pry, wants to let Kate deal with it however she likes. For now, anyway.
She's wondered about that too. If life's going on without them, if people know they're gone. She didn't know Kate was gone, but would she have, in another month or two? Is anyone missing them?
As long as no one's rebuilding Rosenberg's legacy, it doesn't really matter, Faith supposes, except in that the people that care about them will be grieving for their unexplained loss.
What a sad thought. Better to think they'll be living more fully in memory of them.]
( honestly, she'd thought about dropping it in the lake, asking Faith to burn it. something, anything to get rid of it. forget. that's always her first instinct. bury it, as deep as possible. pretend it never happened.
the urge to remember, to share her happiness, as brief as it might have been in the grand scheme of things, only came when she got here, spreading from the centre of her chest, warm and familiar.
(you can lose anyone, at any moment. maybe she's never approached that fact in the right way.)
so she doesn't bother asking. leaves the notebook untouched. a little reminder of the fact that he was here - even if the gods make them forget everything, maybe that will still exist. a tangible little thing that means her memories are more than ultra-vivid dreams, like those they had months ago. )
Don't think I got used enough to LA to have it feel familiar.
( although, maybe she has something of an idea for what that must feel like, after leaving the UK. but she's only been in LA a month. )
[As if it's that easy. Faith knows it's not, but it's so simplistic that it might at least help Kate along in the immediate aftermath of Sam's disappearance.]
Or, you make LA an adventure all over again.
[And you never, ever forget what got you to where you are.]
Better weather in LA. ( it's a half-hearted joke, but one that remains true. Kate's always preferred the sun to the rain and the cold, where she can more easily run.
and she couldn't leave even if she wanted to. can't just let the clinic stand alone a month after its inception, not deliberately. Jon may be able to do her job, but he shouldn't have to. he's not properly trained for it, like she's not properly trained to heal people.
and honestly? Kate couldn't forget how she got here if she tried. she would love to, to forget the mistakes in her past and pretend that she and Faith met in a much nicer way, that Marc's death wasn't her own failing... but she can't. the memories are burned into each of her cells, unable to be forgotten. )
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Faith gets it well enough, though she's not been through all that Kate has. It's like fighting so hard and losing so much isn't enough, like maybe they're suffering more so that others will suffer less. That kind of responsibility is fitting for a legend, even though Faith resents the thought, but Kate?
Kate can withstand a lot, but Faith wishes she didn't have to. Maybe if someone did studies on the psychology of phoenixes, they'd notice a certain mental resilience they develop as a consequence of being raised hearing stories about how grand you are or will be. Maybe that's prepared Faith for all of this madness, given her an advantage over Kate in that regard.
Or maybe not.
It doesn't matter either way, Faith thinks as she reaches out to put a hand over Kate's forearm. All that matters is this moment, that she's here for her friend.]
I know.
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Kate glances away, down at the other side of the kitchen, doesn't pull her arm back. it's exhausting and neither of them should have to deal with it - Faith shouldn't have to carry the weight of could I have done something, to wonder if people are dead because she didn't do enough.
but even more than that, even more than the exhaustion of hope being dashed yet again, there's a dagger, a sharp point of fear that sears through her. this place has messed with her reality before, has brought about dreams and nightmares that are so real she was in a daze for days, has done so many things with the minds of people here-
could it make her forget him, like time has fuzzed out the details of her friends back home? would she wake up one day, trying to grasp for the sound of his voice, husky with sleep? would one of the gods decide that those memories were getting in the way of whatever emotion she's supposed to be providing them with this week?
it'd be easier. )
He was a shit dancer.
( it'd be easier, but she doesn't want to. she wants to make sure these things exist outside of herself, that someone else here knows they were real. forgetting it means forgetting genuine moments of happiness in a place that often feels like it's trying to crush that emotion entirely. )
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Course he was. Someone that tall, balance 'as got to be off when there's music on.
[If Kate wants to laugh, then Faith will help her. If Kate wants to cry, then Faith will let her. If Kate wants to reminisce, then she'll treasure the memories she's sharing as if they were hers too.]
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so maybe it's best to look at the brighter things, the happier moments. most of them quiet, mundane times. watching a movie or texting through the night. having a drink at the bar. all so normal, so far removed from this place or so much of her life that they shine like the few stars that make it through the pollution of a city to hang in the night sky.
Faith's joke is enough to bring a quirk to Kate's lips. not quite a smile, but as close as one can get. )
Could be worse.
( it hurts. and she'll miss him. and she'll have to distract herself until the things that were becoming instinctive - contacting him, spending evenings together, expecting him to drop by the clinic - start to ebb their way out of her muscles and into her memories.
but it could be worse. )
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That's why Faith is the way she is. That's why she smiles in the face of all the sad and horrible things, why she fought as hard as she did and tried to tell anyone who would listen that the choice was theirs to make.
That's why she smiles now. Kate might not be able to, but Faith sure can.]
Yeh, it could. You enjoyed what you had, right? You went for it. Hurts now because it was real. That's somethin' to be glad for.
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but she never had that kind of resilience. never could bounce back after her parents were murdered.
never was the same person.
(maybe that's why, although Kate will never click to it, she likes Faith so much, even years ago when Faith was everything she thought was foolish in the world.)
she can't quite smile - her smiles are things rare enough as it is - and she can't quite find the words to express what needs to be said, so the only thing she comes out with is; )
Kick your arse if you tell anyone.
( she does have an image that was working for her. it doesn't need to be ruined by feelings. )
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Promise I won't tell anyone.
[If it'll make Kate feel better, Faith's here for it.]
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so, instead of talking any more about it, Kate nibbles on a bit of the egg before saying anything more. )
'S not bad.
( weird, because she's not expecting egg to taste like that, but actually. edible. Faith, you're in charge of cooking here y/y? )
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Right? Not bad for... dunno, whatever it is.
[Sure. Something to do. It's fun!]
Tried somehin' else before this, tasted like... fifteen chili peppers in every bite.
[She makes a face. Gross.]
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she flinches a little at that description. spice was alright but there's way too much of it in that. )
Y'ever wonder if we'll get so used to this that home'll seem weird?
( her eyes wander to that notebook she lay down earlier and she wonders, just for a moment, how Sam's taking his return home. how strange is being in the open air again, back in your life as if nothing ever happened? as if you didn't spend months as food for Gods and meet people and-
care for them.
is that even what happens? Faith turned up from the same time of year that Kate left, months before, but is that the way it works, or just a fluke? are things moving on back home without them? did things move on without him, and he's back a year later without any explanation? )
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She frowns thoughtfully as she sips at her tea. What a good question.]
Mm, well... prob'ly. Though that just means that home'll feel all new again. New and familiar. Wonder what that's like!
[The notebook. She's definitely noticed it, but she doesn't want to pry, wants to let Kate deal with it however she likes. For now, anyway.
She's wondered about that too. If life's going on without them, if people know they're gone. She didn't know Kate was gone, but would she have, in another month or two? Is anyone missing them?
As long as no one's rebuilding Rosenberg's legacy, it doesn't really matter, Faith supposes, except in that the people that care about them will be grieving for their unexplained loss.
What a sad thought. Better to think they'll be living more fully in memory of them.]
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the urge to remember, to share her happiness, as brief as it might have been in the grand scheme of things, only came when she got here, spreading from the centre of her chest, warm and familiar.
(you can lose anyone, at any moment. maybe she's never approached that fact in the right way.)
so she doesn't bother asking. leaves the notebook untouched. a little reminder of the fact that he was here - even if the gods make them forget everything, maybe that will still exist. a tangible little thing that means her memories are more than ultra-vivid dreams, like those they had months ago. )
Don't think I got used enough to LA to have it feel familiar.
( although, maybe she has something of an idea for what that must feel like, after leaving the UK. but she's only been in LA a month. )
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[As if it's that easy. Faith knows it's not, but it's so simplistic that it might at least help Kate along in the immediate aftermath of Sam's disappearance.]
Or, you make LA an adventure all over again.
[And you never, ever forget what got you to where you are.]
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and she couldn't leave even if she wanted to. can't just let the clinic stand alone a month after its inception, not deliberately. Jon may be able to do her job, but he shouldn't have to. he's not properly trained for it, like she's not properly trained to heal people.
and honestly? Kate couldn't forget how she got here if she tried. she would love to, to forget the mistakes in her past and pretend that she and Faith met in a much nicer way, that Marc's death wasn't her own failing... but she can't. the memories are burned into each of her cells, unable to be forgotten. )
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[Yeah. None of what they've been through is something you just forget.]
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When we get back.